October is a bitter-sweet month here in our household. We celebrate five family birthdays, two for both of my children who turn a year older, eight days apart at the beginning of the month, and three for family who are now just memories (my lovely Gangan and Gampy, and my father-in-law). It’s not then surprising that this month brings with it so many feelings of nostalgia and is brimming with memories from both my own childhood and those of my children, and I go about my days feeling grateful that I have such a deep well of happy memories to call to mind.

But then October is traditionally a month of reflection for many, with multiple festivals relating to remembrance spanning many different cultures. It is a liminal time between the bright, warm days of summer and winter’s cold and dark, a time for settling in, for gathering together what is needed to get through the harshest months of the year, for cosying up and for reminiscing. Here it’s a time for sweeping the chimney, stacking logs, batch cooking casseroles and soups and unpacking blankets and winter woollies from summer storage, and I busy myself with gathering together everything that comforts on cold, dark days.

Out in the countryside Autumn brings such melancholic beauty, with misty mornings and the colourful seasonal changes. It’s also an exciting time to be out in the woods and one of my favourites, due to the arrival of fungi underfoot. So it’s that time of year when I write my traditional toadstool blog post. Getting out into the woods and lying on my tummy in the wet moss in order to photograph their fantastical forms is one of my great autumnal pleasures. I am always delighted and surprised to see something that I’ve not seen before and even the types of toadstool and fungi that I do recognise are always different and amazing.

Coming back into the warmth and cosiness of home after getting chilled and damp in the woods is also a delicious pleasure. And curling up with my knitting as I start to warm up again is a comfort and delight. Pattern writing is happening in the quieter moments of my days and I hope to share some new patterns with you over the remaining months of this year, pictured above are some of the coats and cardigans I’m working on for the small 7 inch animals, and there are a couple of other clothing patterns in progress too. And in the evenings, when I’ve run out of brain power, simple and rhythmic sock knitting in autumnal colours is a soothing end to the day.

I’m reluctant to state it (just in case I jinx things) but we are beginning to feel on more of an even keel here. Toby is currently, for the most part, content and happier than he’s been for quite a while. I know that change is inevitable and always waiting around the corner but I hope this feeling of calm lasts, at least for a little while longer, as it’s brought such relief and comfort to me and is very much needed.

I hope that things are calm and comfortable where you are, thanks as always for visiting here with me, 

J x

 

Firstly I wanted to say sorry for being so downbeat in my last post, usually I’m able to find a bit more balance and positivity. Thank you so much to everyone who took time out of their day to comment or send me a personal message. Your kindness, compassion and wisdom have warmed me so much, your own personal stories that you shared with me have given me courage, and I’m feeling enveloped in a collective hug. Thank you for your generosity of sprit, I am deeply grateful, J x

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

At the beginning of April it was the two week Easter break from college and so we had Toby here full time, and do you know what – it’s been a good time.

During this time I’ve not tried to do anything at all other than meet his needs and potter around without any aims whilst he’s been busy watching his dvds or looking at his picture books. We walked every day, rain or shine, and those have been some of the best times, when he’s been at his most relaxed and happy. And when he’s happy, we’re all happy, my wellbeing is definitely deeply intertwined with his.

These days of ‘down-time’ have made me rediscover something that I’ve lost hold of in recent years, and that is that meeting Toby’s needs is not the problem. The difficulties actually arise from trying to fit in everything else.

I’ve realised that I’ve fallen into bad habits with work. The first thing I do each morning is check and respond to my emails and messages while my pot of tea is brewing. Checking and replying to emails is the last thing I do before bed too, and I’m often typing as quickly as I can when I hear the last strains of Richard Scary’s ‘best silly songs ever’ dvd at 11pm, which is what Toby has watched for the last 20 years as his last dvd before bedtime (autism dictates a rigid and reliable routine). I don’t usually have any set daily downtime, and as a result I’m often trying to concentrate on things that need my full attention whilst Toby is around. Inevitably I’m interrupted, loose my train of thought, and get grumpy and frustrated, and as a result nothing gets done as well as I would like.

When you work for yourself, especially if you work from your dining room table, the lines between work and home are blurred. It’s hard to give yourself permission for time off and all too easy to keep the pressure up to keep doing more. I don’t yet have a firm plan of how to tackle this, although to begin with I am going to try to put some ‘office hours’ in place to try and regain a little balance in my days, but I’m now certain that I do need to change the way that I’m currently doing things in order to stay well and be able to care for Toby long term. It’s a long overdue realisation and I’m glad it has finally dawned on me, hopefully it will help going forward.

Since he returned to college last week I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking, some of it out in the bluebell woods, and it’s been beautiful and peaceful out there. I’ve also been working on a little pattern writing and am getting closer to finishing off my spring lamb too, I hope to have her ready for a giveaway in the next few weeks.

I hope that there’s some goodness in your days at the moment, and if things are a bit wobbly for you, I hope that you soon find the beginning of a path leading to better days ahead,

J x