Thanks again to everyone who has left me such kind messages over the last few weeks. I was hoping to write a fabulously glowing post about the wonders of melatonin but unfortunately the reality hasn’t quite matched up to our expectation. Things are however slightly improved as the melatonin is having a positive effect at bedtime – Toby has been settling to sleep much more calmly and at a more reasonable time (between 9.30 – 10.30pm most nights). The effect is short lived though as he’s still waking every night around 5 hours after going to sleep. Most nights he’s been awake for around 2 hours before settling back to sleep but this morning he decided to start the day at 3.36am so he’ll hopefully be a tired little bunny later (as opposed to a grumpy one!).

I’ve stayed in my jammies again today and have curled up with my needles and some rather scrumptious new wool…

Pure merino yarn, kettle and hand-dyed in toast, violin, cinnabar, beige and rich chocolate (wouldn’t it be great to have a job dreaming up yarn names? I don’t think I’d have settled for beige though, I’d have preferred cookie dough or shortbread).

It’s good that knitting is not especially taxing as I think it’s about all I can manage after such an early start. It’s lucky too that I’ve made so many bunnies over the years as if I do doze off shortly I could probably carry on knitting them in my sleep!

Thanks for all of the good wishes for a better night’s sleep. It’s yet to arrive I’m afraid but I’ve no doubt that it will at some point down the line. Sadly though it’s only one of the aspects that are making life with Toby hard at the moment. His anxiety, repetitive behaviours and aggression are all off the charts and at the moment life feels like tiptoeing around an unexploded bomb, constantly hoping that nothing triggers it to go off!

One of the hardest things to face as a parent is to have to say ‘I’m not coping with my child’. It’s uncomfortable to say the least and I suppose we’re quite lucky to have got through 9 years with a severely autistic child without having to make that call. Things have shifted though and with Toby’s increasing size and strength and his inability to contain his rages and anxiety we’ve had to ask for help. I’ve made some calls to various professionals which will hopefully result in some respite care and exploring medication and therapy options to help him with his anxiety. It will be a slow process as the next available paediatrician appointment isn’t until April but it feels good to have started the ball rolling so to speak.

Anyway, as an antidote to all of that I’m been furiously knitting. There are bunnies, mittens, cakes and scarves all on the needles at the moment – I’m working on the basis that the more knitting you have on the go the less time there is for worry 😉

I’m really pleased with this scarf that I’ve just finished. The yarn is so beautifully soft and flecked with little touches of different blues and the pattern is very easy (a simple 4 row repeat) and very pretty when finished.

Pattern: Little Leaf Scarf by Sivia Harding (free pattern)
‘Moody’ handpainted Alpaca silk sport weight by Old Maiden Aunt Yarns bought from Loop

Please bear with me if you’ve emailed me recently and have not had a reply. I’ll hopefully be in touch soon x