Hello, how are you? I truly hope that you’re managing and that those you love are safe and well. Here there are good days and bad days. The hardest thing for me is not being able to explain to Toby why everything he knows and loves has stopped and he has had many more meltdowns than usual, but there is a highlight to each day and that is our walk in the woods. We weren’t going out to the woods at the beginning of the lockdown because there was some confusion as to whether we were allowed to drive the 3 miles there and back but recent clarification from the government on people with autism being allowed to travel to familiar places has meant that Toby now has one loved activity available.
Whilst we are struggling with daily life here, I know there are so many having a much worse time than us: those medical and health careworkers on the front line dealing with hugely stressful days, those overwhelmed by mental health issues, those fearful of loosing their livelihoods and especially those who have lost loved ones and have not been able to even say goodbye, heartbreak that is happening on a global scale right now. It feels impossible to believe that the human world will ever be the same again after this and I’ve been thinking how important it is to hold on to hope that there will be good times again.
Each year, in the quiet pause that is New Years day, I sit and fill in important dates in my brand new diary. I so enjoy this ritual – writing on crisp, clean pages the birthdays of loved ones, the eagerly anticipated events, and all the while imagining the whole year spread out and full of possibilities.
On the first page I always try to write myself a little message or quote, a kind of guiding principle for my thoughts in the coming year. Last year, faced as we were with many challenges surrounding Toby’s transition from child to adult support services I wrote the words
‘Don’t let bitterness become you’.
I’m still working on that one and I’m guessing that as the parent of a now adult son who is severely autistic I will need to keep that one as a constant reminder for years to come – a verbal talisman for when I feel overwhelmed by all the things Toby can’t do, can’t have and can’t be and all the things we’ll never have as a family. Calling to mind these words does help to pull my thoughts away from destructive negativity.
On January 1st of this year, I wrote these words in my nice new 2020 diary:
‘I can still have hope while facing a future I do not know’.
When I wrote that out I was really thinking on a very insular and personal level about the ongoing issues involved in caring for Toby, but that phrase could not have been more apt for the global situation that has unfolded and affects all of us now. The last few months have changed life for us all in unimaginable ways and never more have we needed to believe that there is hope in all of our futures.
So, that’s my wish for you today: That you find hope, in whatever form it appears for you, and you cherish, nuture and tend it so that it fortifies you in these darkly terrifying times.
J x
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:: ‘Don’t let bitterness become you’ is a line taken from the lyrics of Elysium by Bear’s Den
:: ‘I can still have hope while facing a future I do not know’ is a quote from Morgan Harper Nichols, it’s the 4th slide on November 22nd 2019
All of the pictures above were taken in previous springs (the last one with Amy in was from 2011). Toby’s favourite wood doesn’t have bluebells, and even if it did he’d not let me stop to take photos 😉 It is though a comforting thought, that despite everything nature is unaffected – other than perhaps in positive ways from less pollution/human intrusion. And although I may not be able to go and see bluebells this year, I know they’re out there blooming away, smelling wonderful and looking tear-inducingly beautiful.
little cotton rabbits 
Thank you for this. I had been wondering about you, Toby and all those who love and care for those who cannot understand this situation. I’m lucky that all those I love are coping, even though I cannot help or hug them. After 43 years of marriage we are finding the need for patience as we have sold a house so are living in a tiny flat with most of our possessions in storage. We have yet to be able to find a house to move into but are counting our blessings. Being healthy and just under 70 are two of them. Keep safe and keep those lines in mind.
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You are such a beautiful soul, thank you so much for sharing yourself. Big, big hug to you.
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Thank you
Sending hugs your way
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Julie I think you’re amazing, despite what life offers you, you always come here with such positivity and cheer us all up!
I’m so glad you and Toby are getting a walk in the woods, unfortunately I can’t get to my usual bluebell spot either as they have closed our park which is within walking distance of our home but I have managed to find the odd clump of them on my daily walks.
I agree I think nature is enjoying this time and everything seems so much bigger and better this year.
Take care lovely,
V x
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Hi Julie, I’ve been following your posts for years now and I’ve always found your posts comforting, inspiring and warm. Today was equally genuine and heartfelt. I realize everyone has their own struggles but having this pandemic hovering over seem to make things harder and darker. I, too, struggle daily.. and so I resonated with that statement you shared on having hope. Thank you for that. I sincerely wish for better days ahead.. I will go now and write it down so I can also be reminded everyday. Stay safe!
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I am so glad to hear from you today! I have been worried about how Toby would adapt to the crisis and how it would affect your family life.
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Sorry this is so hard for Toby, I am glad he can at least go for a walk in the woods that he is familiar with. I can imagine how difficult it is for him, and for you as well. I love that you add a message to yourself in your diary every year, your quote for this year is indeed very apt. Here’s to hope for us all, CJ xx
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Thank you, Julie, for your beautiful post! Lots of courage and keep safe.
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This is a beautiful post. Your pictures remind me that those little flowers–even when it seems impossible, they persist and thrive. What an example for humans. I hope you and you family all stay well. I know you will thrive.
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It is so good to hear from you and know that you are well. I have been checking in every day to see if you had a new post. Thank you for the update and the lovely photos.
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I always think of you as a role model for patience and serenity while shouldering a big load. Prayers for you and all of your family members now. I’ve found Miranda Hart’s “chatty rambles” soothing also. I think you, on the other side of the pond from me, excel at fortitude and grace under pressure. Americans lean more towards loud ranting and pouting. My MIL has full blown Alzheimer’s and I cringe at what it would be like for her to be taken to the hospital now. She would no more understand it than Toby, and would be alone. So, we wait and hope. I do find it fun to scroll through my photo collection as a distraction, and I always enjoy your photos immensely, no matter what year they were taken. Peace be with you.
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What beauty in the area. Hope it soothes your son.
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Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful and apt words. I’ve thought of you often over the last several weeks, wondering how you and your family were doing. I’m glad to know you are finding a bit of peace, here and there, in what must be such a challenging situation.
While it is now hard for anyone to help in ways that previous were taken for granted, I believe that you sharing your story and your lovely perspective helps all of us that read it.
Please take care! xo
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Wishing you much love and peace Julie. It must be especially hard for you with no respite xx
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I’ve wondered how Toby was coping with all the change. I think your quotes are ones we can all apply to our own lives, just in different ways. I’m also trying to remain cheerful and thankful. My family is healthy right now, my husband still has a job. I just knitted your little fox in one of the textured dresses and she has pleased me so much that I just stare at her with such happiness in my heart. It’s amazing how something so simple and childlike can change my entire attitude. Thanks for sharing a snippet of your world with us.
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Everything you said was what I needed to hear… Take care, Julie!
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My DS is now in his late twenties, he now won’t leave the house at all as he is convinced it is ” drangerous ” so all out social stories weren’t very clear obviously ?
It is nice that made an exception for autistic people to get out. That was very kind.
Like your son, my lovely boy is finding it all very tough. I can’t bring myself to think too far ahead re this ” new normal ” just yet. Thank goodness the shelf stripping stopped in the supermarkets, as not being able to get the food he liked was so hard for him.
My only contribution to all this has been to order food boxes for DS’s care workers who I know are working all the hours God sends and have no time to themselves, some can’t even go home.
All the best with your lovely lad.
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Awww Julie, you’re such a sweetheart and always know just what to say. I hope this will soon end and your sweet Toby can get back to some of his familiar activities. It’s so hard for those who don’t understand. I went to drop something off at my son’s house a few weeks ago and they were outside. The three year old was so excited to see me she started running towards me. I said “No, you can’t come to me” and she said “Oh yes I can!” and kept coming. So I started running away and then she thought it was a game of catch me if you can. She completely doesn’t understand why she can’t hug Grammy! 😀 In other news — I finally knit my first Little Cotton Rabbits. You. Are. Amazing! I am in awe that you manage to get so many of them made. They took me forever. BUT, I’m in love and I’ll be making more. And I can’t tell you how happy I was that we had the chance to meet with you and get the little shoe video — what an immense help it was! Keep your chin up — you are SOOO Loved and Cherished! XOXO
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Thank you Julie, Like you I have been finding great comfort in going and seeing that the flowers are still blooming, lambs are being born and the world outside goes on. It is such a difficult time for us all and I am finding the emotional challenge of supporting my students very hard. But you are right to say we must have hope. That and the belief that this will be over and one day we will look back and wonder how we did it. Sending very big hugs to you and your family. Much love Alison xxx
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No need for a reply. Thank you for sharing your struggles, your beauties and your message of hope with us.
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Thank you so much Julie for all you share with us, your treasured knitting patterns, beautiful photos, thoughts on life; you write so beautifully and are such an inspiration! I love reading your blog and knitting the “little cotton rabbits” brings me so much joy! Yes, hope is so important in these stressful times and appreciating simple things; I find I notice light so much more – how a ray of sunshine lights up a flower or leaf in my garden – things I may not have noticed before. Just wanted to say, thank you so much and love to you and your family from South Africa.
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