The last couple of weeks have been a bit tough for Toby. He's been having many more meltdowns, lots of anxiety and has been much more wakeful at night than his usual hour or two. The hardest thing is not knowing what the cause of this latest 'spell' might be – he has never developed speech and his communication via PECs is limited to him requesting items and activities so there is no way for us to explore what he might be feeling. He has been under the weather health-wise and there have been some changes in school but we're really left to guess work, trial and error and a general feeling of despair at not being able to help him work through it.
Lack of sleep does funny things to your mind (which is probably why it is employed as an effective interrogation technique) and I find I'm a lot more prone to feeling down when we're in these cycles with Toby. Knitting always helps of course but last week I felt the need to be out in the fresh air. The woods in autumn are a beautiful place to be and I do find them spiritually refreshing. I spent a very peaceful couple of hours wandering around alone with a complete absence of human noise and human demands. I saw lots of grey squirrels busy with their winter store, two muntjac deer and a multitude of different birds all too quick for my camera but I did enjoy taking pictures of the plant life.
All the mosses and fungi are particularly abundant at the moment since it's been such a mild and damp autumn. It felt good to be alone in the woods, looking at the tiny small worlds that go on mostly unobserved and it definitely helps me get some perspective back when things are hard going. I count myself very lucky to have such a beautiful place on our doorstep and I'm getting to know its secret places well. Modern existence often separates us from nature but it's to our detriment and I plan to keep heading wood-wards when things get a bit tough here.
little cotton rabbits 
You are so right Julie, nature is definitely good for the soul . Sorry life has been a bit tough for you and poor Toby lately, hopefully it will all pass soon.
It is good you have your woods for a little ‘me’ time and your photos are beautiful, I’m especially in love with the first one.
Wishing you a peaceful week, take care,
V xxx
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Sorry life has been extra hard for you. I echo exactly what V above has said. Nature is healing, and so is the peace and quiet. So pleased you could go for a walk in the woods and take such amazing pictures. Hoping you can get there as often as you need, and that Toby passes through this stage soon!. Thanks for sharing with us all. You are always uplifting despite the hard times and your thoughts and pictures are so much appreciated. Take care!
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I’m sorry you and Toby are having such a difficult time at the moment but i hope this will soon pass.
Thank you for sharing the beautiful photos; what a lovely place to be able to recharge yourself in.
I hope you have a restful and joyful christmas – and a calm lead up to to it. 🙂
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I can really sympathise with you and Toby’s problems. When my autistic son was about Toby’s age, he attended a special school and was very timid. At Christmas, they usually put on a school play and involved all the children, he was a spaceman. It wasn’t until the very first day after the play that I realised that was what had caused the problems. He would come home from school every day on the school bus and very soon do a poo at the top of the stairs. This was his way of telling me that there was something wrong. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but what would I have done, if I’d managed to work out the problem, stopped him from being in the play? afterwards, he said he’d enjoyed it and he loves looking at the photos of it. Thank goodness you are able to be on your own sometimes, it’s very necessary. Your photos are wonderful.
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I’m so sorry Toby is having a tough time of it. And a tough time for him means a really tough time for you too. You’re right about the effects of lack of sleep, it can be very hard on your spirits and also immune system. I’m glad you managed some time outside, a nature walk never fails to lift the mood at least a little I find. Your photos are absolutely beautiful, you’re a very talented photographer. The close-ups of the moss and lichen are especially lovely. I know how low the light can be in the woods, it’s quite a trick to photograph the things that live in the shade well. I’m sending you my best wishes, I do hope things improve a lot soon. CJ xx
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It’s so sad for you and Toby and the rest of your family that life is tough at the moment, but I admire you and learn a lot from your patience and balance in life. As a chronic pain sufferer I should take an example and get out in the nature, maybe that would change my life. But like you say, crochet and knitting do help a lot.
Best regards,
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sorry you are having a difficult time at the moment, I hope things become easier for you all, and glad that you found some space and time to recharge a little, take care, t x
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I’m sorry. It seems the seasons change is always challenging. Please be sure and stay rested. I so enjoy the photos. I miss my little patch of woods.
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Hi Julie, I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the difficult time you are going through. My sister is also autistic and I have found that the change in light levels at this time of year seem to be the trigger for a difficult time. I am sad to say I don’t have a solution but I wanted you to know that it’s not just you – I’m not sure if that helps but I know I feel exactly like you feel! Huge hugs, Sarah x
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As an adult I always find the end of the year celebrations nerve raking…So I suppose maybe your little man as seen clues of the nearby Xmas time although you might be waiting as long as possible to decorate the house. It’s “in the air”… I hope his anxiety shall soon pass and you will all have some quietness and quality time together.
The photos are magic indeed! I love fungi and moss… Thank you for sharing your little wonderland with us.
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Your photos of the woods are so beautiful. I feel like I was there too. You captured all the tiny things I like to look for when I walk in the woods. I’m sorry to hear about Toby’s recent difficulties. I hope it’s a passing phase and that he settles soon. I’m sure you are doing everything right with him, you are a wonderful mother. I’m happy to know that you have taken time for yourself, to recharge and be ready to care for him again. It’s good for both of you. Take care, friend.
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Thank you for sharing and I hope you find some peace when you next get time to yourself. What a wonderful photographer you are! (in addition to everything else)
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Seeing the photos and seeing how peaceful the area is, I wonder if it would help Toby too, just to wander and look and listen and breathe.
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wonderful pics!!!!
xxxxx Ale
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I am so glad that you managed to find a few moments of tranquility and an opportunity to focus your thoughts. Sending you love as you navigate this challenging time.
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Stunning! I am speechless… Beautiful pictures.
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Wonderful wonderful pictures Julie, thank you for sharing them. We love the woods too, and recharge there as often as possible. I’m sorry that Toby is finding things hard. I used to find that the very smallest changes were mountains to climb for my autistic pupil, and although he could speak, he wouldn’t speak about what was worrying him until it was all over. Lots of love and a huge hug.
Jenni xxxx
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Julie, your photos are gorgeous! When I look at the first few in particular, I see fairies and woodland elves dancing through them!! 😉
I always feel better outside too. The peace of nature give me peace and lets me think too.
Sorry to hear that you and Toby are having a tough time right now. I hope he finds some peace so that you can get some too.
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You are such a courageous and loving Mom and I am so happy you have found a place to go for the come you need….your photos are amazing !
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those photos are so utterly magical, I’m glad that you are able to share them with us, even though you are going through a rough patch with Toby, and the challenges are always felt more deeply when you are utterly bone tired. So just in case you need a reminder, you are an amazing mom! You are doing a great job! And you are finding time to share your challenging, magical, beautiful, difficult corner of your life with us. Thank you.
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Awww Julie. You’re SO amazing. I marvel at all your patience and the fact that you can stay upbeat during the tough times. I really wish we had such a beautiful woodland here too — as you said, I think they would be the perfect answer for those times when the heart is heavy. XOXO
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sounds like you all are getting a bit of cabin fever. I hope things level out for dear Toby soon, and I hope you are able to find that peace in your mind to get you and the family through this tough time. well wished and lots and lots of warm thoughts to you and yours,
Tara Wurster (Wurster-weight on Ravelry)
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what beautiful pics Julie, & it must be such a joy to have the woods so close. The peace & tranquility they give you must be a true oasis of calm during difficult times.
We found that our T started to behave in a similar way with the onset of puberty. Altho’ T is very articulate he was unable to explain how he was feeling and the anxiety he was experiencing with the emotional, hormonal & general physical changes resulted in significant aggressive meltdowns. We had 4 very bad years but the last 6-12months have been much better. My thoughts are with you xx
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Hi Julie, Thanking of you and hoping things are better with Toby. I know it must be difficult at times, but my do you do a wonderful job and I admire you and all your talents too. Blessings to you and thanks to those magical woods, Happy December, xoRobin
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Julie,
Before I read a single word of your blog I smile. I love you banner. The colors are so soothing, and the little bunny, and your “little cotton bunnies”. Everything about it is gorgeous. You have a real eye/talent for color and layout. I quickly scroll down, not reading a word, and loving every single photo. The water droplet especially got me. Your woodland is indeed a wonderland. We also live in the woods and it’s so peaceful. We don’t have the incredible green ferns that you have. Makes me sigh a huge exhalation as I try to comprehend your daily, and nightly, schedule of raising Toby. He’s one very fortunate young man to have you as his mother.
Debbie
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I’m sorry you all are struggling. I’m glad you can go to the woods. Thank you for sharing with us. Your photography is so beautiful.
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Beautiful pictures, I hope things are easier for you all soon x
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Your photo’s are beautiful and I am glad you had the time to walk in the woods in the silence and let it
sooth your soul and help you deal with the things happening around you.
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What gorgeous woodland pictures! The woods really are a beautiful place at this time of year 🙂
I am so sorry to hear that times are tough at the moment, but just try to keep positive, because in life there will always be ups and downs.
Take each day as it comes and enjoy some time alone if you need to, I’m sure both you and Toby will feel better soon, thing will look up.
Take care, Emma B x
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I hope that things will settle soon. xx
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Hope you and Toby will be better soon.
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I always love seeing the world through your eyes. Thank you for sharing. When reading your post I thought of a new book we got at the library. The “Secret Life of Squirrels” by Nancy Rose. Like you she enjoys photography and nature. Her web site is secretlifeofsquirrels.com It is a fun place to explore when you cannot get outside.
Sending positive thoughts that this trying time will pass quickly.
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Nature has a wonderful way of calming our souls and may you be able to get through this
troubling time in Toby’s life….much love to you all xo
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I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been down & that your son is having a difficult time. There never is a true break when you’re a mom & especially a mom to a special needs child. But, your beautiful photography is such a gift & I’ve thoroughly enjoyed this latest set of pictures. It makes me feel guilty not to be able to do something kind in return for you. I don’t know if you’re religious or not, but I’ve always heard, “When you get to your wits end, you will find, God lives there.” And that’s exactly what I thought of when I saw your pictures…
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Sorry to hear about difficult times for Toby, you and your family. I so admire your loving spirit, talent and connection to nature.
Your photos are just beautiful and I just wanted to thank you for sharing. You have brightened up my life over the years and I wish
you peace and joy this holiday season.
Susan Appelbaum
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Thinking of you and your family during these times. Thanks for sharing your coping strategies. They are useful, even for moms without special needs children.
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I hope that you solve Toby’s issues with his anxiety. You must be so tired out from it all, and I am sure he is too. Your woodland photos are gorgeous and nature is always good for the soul.
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I find looking at nature is always a great leveller! Fantastic photos. Hope life and your anxiety levels imrove very soon!
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Hope Toby settles down soon and you can get some rest. In the meantime, I’m glad you can find some solace in nature. Beautiful photos. Thank you so much for sharing. Xx
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I am very sad to read that life has been tough for you and Toby. There are so many changes in nature, and general atmosphere in November-December…. Toby feels and “understands” but cannot say his excitement or sadness, this is so uncomfortable… I hope you and he can find a solution and have a rest soon. I am glad you find courage and comfort in nature, your photos are beautiful, thanks for sharing. Anne
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There are many magical places in the world but it takes a special talent to really see them. Thank you for the lovely photos and I hope life returns to an even keel soon.
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lovely photos,hope toby better soon.
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So sorry you are finding the going tough at the moment, Julie. Glad you are finding some solace in nature, though, and I love your beautiful photographs. Wishing you and your family better times soon!
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I’m so sorry for everything that you are going through…..Your nature photographs are beautiful and breathtaking!! Glad you found some peach in nature….
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I’m sorry you and Toby are having such a rough time. Hopefully he will feel better soon and you can get some sleep. Your photos are incredible. You live near a magical fairyland. Just stunning. Thank you for sharing. You definitely brought a smile to my face today. hugs
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There are 45 wonderful, beautiful and heartfelt messages here, before mine. I have no words to express how wonderful I felt when I read them all. You have a fantastic support group right here…in your bloggy friends. Keep your chin up, you are doing a great job at being Toby’s mum. If he could tell you in words, I bet thats what he would say.
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I hope the dark clouds pass by and the sun comes out for you and Toby soon.
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Sorry to hear times are tough at the moment – pre-Christmas at school perhaps? It’s all pretty manic in the final weeks of term, plus we have winter suddenly upon us. I hope things calm down for you soon. You are indeed lucky to have somewhere so beautiful to escape to – my daily dog walks are balm for my soul too! Fantastic photos, you have such a good eye.
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First can I say, wow , WOW , WoW ….. your photos are stunning! Oh how I love forests with all their moss, fungi, ferns and fresh air.
So sorry Toby is going through a stressful patch, it must be so hard trying to work out what is causing the stress 😦 Like you say sleep is so precious and lack of it really does escalate anxiety in everyone 😦 Esme took 5 years to sleep through and that was stressful enough for me so I have no idea how you are managing but am so glad that you find a little refuge in your creativity.
Isn’t it funny how we are ‘called’ to be outside, with nature when we are feeling down/anxious ….. I really do find I need to earth myself sometimes, I am not sure how or why it works but everything seems a lot better after a walk in a forest 🙂 Does Toby enjoy being outside, do you think he would find something like that relaxing too or would the change of scenery/routine upset him? Not trying to give you advice as you know him better than anyone in this world but just a thought as to how it makes me feel being outside and it may work for him too. I find sitting near a river is also very relaxing …. there is something about running water that sooths the soul.
Take care you lovely lady, I am wishing you some precious precious sleep very soon indeed xxxxx
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When I hear young mom’s talk about their newborns and how they have the odd rough night I bite my tongue but would love to say…try it for 16 years. Our Jack is still restless at night and his verbal challenges/developmental delays stop us from understanding why this is happening. The journey with our special needs children can be so isolating & exhausting. And there is no quick fix or humane way to force them in line. We have tried melatonin strips dissolved in bedtime cocoa with some success….we get to sleep through the first half of the night 😳. I do think the school chaos of the approaching holiday season contributes…I have seen the same behaviour changes here too.
I am always amazed that you find time to knit, walk, see beauty…even though you are surely exhausted. You are stronger than you know….Winnie was in the forest when he said this…maybe he was on to something. I must try to learn from you. Thanks again for your inspiration on how to cope with challenges. I wish for you more peaceful, restful days ahead.
Fondly, Lori from Port Perry
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What lovely photos! It’s surprising what a little walk somewhere pretty and quiet can do for your well being. I’m sure you felt much better afterwards and I hope things get a little easier for you and your family soon.
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Thank you so much for reminding me (us) of the beauty in the world. Thank you for reminding me that beauty exists even than the going gets rough. The love for your children is so evident in your blog posts. They are so fortunate to have you as a mother. Even when you are exhausted and frustrated, your posts are always so tender and loving. Take care of yourself!
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More ( ) ( ) and xxxxx coming down the WorldWideWeb……
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I want you to know that of all the RSS feeds that come into my reader, yours is the first one I go to. I do truly care about how you and Toby are doing. I send you love, healing and peaceful energy every time I read the blog. I hope you can feel it. I have a special needs child in my family and he is one of my most treasured members.
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I have been reading your blog for a few years, but never commented before. I just wanted to say that I am also thinking of you and hope this period passes and life is more restful for you all soon. Your work leaves me speechless and these photographs are just beautiful. x
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Many good wishes heading your way. There are no ‘right’ words to say. This too shall pass and all shall be well
X
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So wise. I’m so sorry Toby is having such a difficult time. Not being able to communicate is so frustrating and down right hard!
I am glad you were able to get away for a little bit. Nature is so peaceful and our spirits need nourishment just as much if not more than our bodies. Your photos are magical.
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Hi Julie, Your knitting designs are giving all of us pleasure and want to thank you for what you do for many others who might have troubles, I for one look forward to all you have to say, creatively and family tidbits. God Bless you during your time of stress with Toby and wish its gets better as much as it can. Many hugs your way!
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I send you all my love!
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Sending you very big hugs and best wishes for a more settled time at home soon. Amazing pictures as always xxx
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I hope life improves for Toby… and you, very soon. Thinking of you. x
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I’m sorry to hear of your tough times but, my goodness, those photos are stunning. I wish I could get out a little more with my camera. 🙂
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Yes there are great days and not so great days with Autistic children. Our grandson is 6 and he was diagnosed with severe autism when he was 2. He as well is non-verbal. Love all the pictures and your story of Toby. Just the other day my daughter posted a picture of him enjoying or actually running in the woods….I can certainly relate.
Your beautiful banner and little friends brought me to your blog. I am now a new follower.
I also read your post on Autism. Thank you. More should be aware….Here in Canada the stats show 1 in 68 children have been diagnosed with Autism. Mostly boys. Shocking!!
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That woodland really is magical, and you have caught the spell in your pictures, they’re captivating.
I do hope the road you’re travelling with Toby becomes smoother again soon x
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Keep going with the PECS. It will build to him making comments about what he can see and hear and then he’ll start to get the idea of the usefulness of communication. Use it wherever and whenever you can so that he always has opportunities to use his voice,
You’ll get there.eventually.
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Me encanta sus hermosas fotografías. Lo siento mucho por todo lo que está pasando, pero seguro que un sitio como ese te ayudara a que te sientas mejor.
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The tree photo with the two fungi is interesting. If you cover the lower fungi and look closely, it almost looks like an elephant is trying to emerge from the tree. Elephant tree?
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