I'm rather pleased to have turned the page of my calendar over to May. Not that April wasn't lovely, with unseasonably warm weather and the real start of spring but it did only contain 7 school days for Toby and he does find the lack of term time routine very hard. And, when he's around I am not able to be a person in my own right.
I was thinking about this over the long 4 day weekend that has just gone, I live a double life of sorts. When Toby's at school I can potter around and do housework and some of the things that I enjoy, like reading and knitting and just sitting peacefully with some music. When Toby is in the house I am constantly watching over him, keeping him from harm and doing everything for him that he can't do himself – I am more of an extension of him, bound by his needs and whims to do his bidding or face the consequences of huge outbursts and violent behaviour. I suppose it may sound a bit harsh to an outsider for me to wish the school holidays over with, but I am relieved none the less to have a little peaceful time on my calendar again!
Despite full days, I have still found a little time at the end of them to carry on with my one-a-day squares.
At the start of the Easter break I had this…
and at the end, this…
It's pleasing that there are people out there with a much better handle on maths than me, as I now know that I can make 210 absolutely different squares from my 7 chosen colours. Though now I'm rather wishing that there had been a nice orange to include – the only orange in the same yarn (Amy Butler Belle Organic wool cotton DK) was a little too violent for my liking, but overall I'm pretty pleased with how it's coming along.
I'm off now to sneak in a few extra squares, just because I can!
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The lovely pattern for this blanket is a free one by Solveig and can be found here.
little cotton rabbits 
Do you know, you are an inspiration. Don`t be hard on yourself. I think you do a terrific job. You need to look after yourself to be able to look after others.
Take Care. And your blanket is beautiful.
Love from Carole in Rossendale xx
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Love your blanket Julie!
And if it’s any consolation, for a long time I used to find the holidays hard too, and would feel guilty about it. I think you have a lot more reason than I do to want a bit of a breather. Glad you got some time on your own with Amy too – and she’s growing up very quickly!
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Well you’ve managed to make loads, congrats!! Enjoy the process of it all, but I must say I look forward to seeing the finished article!
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The blanket looks so beautiful already. I’ve been desperately trying to find a yarn – any yarn! – in a decent orange for yonks…I’m not sure why suppliers seem to favour traffic cone orange amongst an otherwise soft palette!
Enjoy term time, and recharge your batteries for the next holiday break.
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The disconnect between holiday time life and term time life is one that many of us feel, I think Julie.
Well done on continuing with the blanket – it’s looking really pretty.
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Gosh, your blanket is looking beautiful, i am so tempted to give it a go myself, i only recently learnt to crochet. I am making a small granny stripe blanket at the mo, my first ‘real’ project! maybe your blanket would be a little too complex for a begginer.
Enjoy the peace and calm knowing that Toby is being well cared for
j x
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Blanket is looking so pretty, Julie. I do sympathise about not being your self but an extension of Toby. We find as carers we’re completely subjegated to the other person’s routine, medication, food requirements, tantrums etc – we, too, long for some peace (which we can only get by one or other of us going out – hard as we’d both prefer to spend our time either together or on home based pursuits).
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This is just gorgeous!
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My Dear lovely friend across the waters, Please try never to feel guilt for the time you have for yourself….it is essential to your well being…you must grab every second of it and rejoice in the fact that you are a creative person and have this wonderful outlet..I cared for my dad who had a very bad stroke and lived for 17 years after and my mother who became Ill during this time . So we had two very sick people at the same time..it is what it is …and we just do our best..your creative “your time “makes you better at caring for your darling Toby …so crochet away and happily enjoy your time …much love from the east coast of new England…
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Wow your blanket is looking totally beautiful.
Emma x
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I don’t think anyone can blame you for wanting some ‘me’ time Julie, you have to take care of yourself both mentally and physically so you in turn can take care of Toby!
Your blanket is gorgeous, the colours are beautiful!! For anyone interested First 4 Yarns have a good offer on their Amy Butler Belle Organic DK at the moment.
Vivienne x
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Your crochet is lovely and a perfect way to spend a bit of peaceful time for your self. To be on duty round the clock is exhausting, despite it being done with love, so make the most of term time to recharge.xx
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You don’t need to feel guilty for a single second for needing your own time. We all do, but you deserve it more than most of us!
Your blanket is gorgeous – but then we all knew it would be 🙂
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We all need a little bit of ‘me-time’.
The blanket is looking fabulous.
Keep up all the good work x
B.
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Your afghan is really, really gorgeous. I like the colors. I’m glad that you didn’t choose the violent orange. 🙂
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You don’t sound harsh, I understand you so well. Love the routine, love-hate the holidays 🙂 Love your one-a-day, it’s going so well.
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We all need our own time and your load is heavy. You should never feel guilty for taking time for yourself. It doesn’t mean that you love any less. This is such a happy blanket. The colors are uplifting and cheerful. I must imagine it makes you happy to just work on it.
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Looking at your blanket is an absolute tonic Julie. How beautiful it is!
I’m glad you have a little time to yourself to hook a few more of those lovely squares
Emma
x
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That was a very long time to be off school with so many different things going on – my poor daughter ended up just being totally confused and is very glad her routine is back to normal this week. Never feel guilty about enjoying the quiet times by yourself – it’s those that help us carers continue with the job in hand without cracking up!
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I know how you feel. I’m relieved when my OH goes back to work after an extended break! It’s quite understandable that you feel relieved and at peace when Toby is at school, and you obviously use your time wisely and productively. Have you found a scheme whereby you know that you haven’t duplicated a square?;-))
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Not at all unreasonable to want some “me” time! The blanket is looking lovely.
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Julie, your post really touched me today. You do a wonderful job and I really admire how you take so much from life despite all the difficulties. It is important for everyone to have time and space to themselves and we must all look after ourselves as well as each other so don’t feel guilty about needing that break.
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your blanket looks so lovely – sigh, if only I were as talented as you!
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It must be a very tough existence and once again no-one could ever question the love and dedication you have for your children – you are amazing and such an inspiration never mind a reminder to me about not moaning about the little stuff. It is, as everyone seems to be pointing out, so important to find some you time and judging by your lovely crochet (why doesn’t mine look as good?) you are doing just that. Keep strong.
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Julie, I love your blanket! The colors are fabulous, all my favorites. Don’t ever feel guilty about needing time during your day to devote to yourself – even if its just for dish washing or dusting – not one of your more creative, artistic efforts. Your a good, loving mother to your children. I don’t know if I could handle things as well as you do.
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Don’t feel guilty about ‘you’ time! School holidays are a difficult time for any parent with a child with autism, as children like the routine of school, and can’t cope with that changing. After a day with the children at school, I’m always pleased when hometime comes!! And I don’t have the disturbed nights that you have. Enjoy your time to get on with your wonderful knitting and crotcheting.
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Soo lovely and such a great idea to do just one block a day – that way it’s not so overwhelming. Love the colours you’ve used.
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Hello Julie,
I think what you said doesn’t sound harsh. The job you do in your family is priceless and I think many of us just cannot imagine what it is like. And to be grateful when the school break is over is just understandable. Plus I think that Toby might enjoy being back to his normal routine as well.
Thank you for showing us your blanket progress. It looks wonderful. How big do you want it to be?
All the best, Claudia
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Have I ever expounded my ‘self-ish’ theory to you? Just in case not, here goes!
I firmly believe that as a carer/parent/partner it essential for us to take the time to be ‘self-ish’, to care for self and ensure our emotional needs are being met for otherise we are unable to give that emotional support to others.
I s’pose the more simple analogy is that of the airlines. When the gas mask falls make sure you put your own on first before attempting to give aid to others.
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I’m head-over-heels in love with your blanket! Perfect in every way! And I hope you managed to sneak in those extra squares 🙂
K x
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As a parent, I too look forward to when my daughter goes back to school and my son goes back to nursery. I love them to bits, but I just don’t get a minute. It’s bliss when I have some time to myself (even just to do housework!), so don’t feel guilty!!
Dawn x
PS love the blanket!
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that blanket is going to be GORGEOUS!
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Fabulous colours Julie. Glad to hear that you managed to have a little time to yourself.
Enjoy your weekend.
Marie x
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You are not harsh feeling like that. When you have a child you think that when they get to a certain age they will do certain things on their own but with autism that is taken away from you so you must feel cheated in a way I should think (well I would personally). We have a friend with two autistic kiddies, one who doesn’t speak and the other the other end of the spectrum so I have seen how hard it can be (from an outsiders point of view so only a tiny bit of how it is really to live with autism), it must be very hard to be and Mum whilst also keeping some of yourself there. Take care and don’t be hard on yourself. xxx
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I am giggling a little, thinking of orange as capable of violence. I know what you mean about being an extension of your children. I realized once that they were actually leaning on me – using my brain like an exterior hard drive – a drive that held all the critical thinking and future planning and self-discipline instructions – while they were saving their own personal drive space for – fun. But with them, of course, I could lay down the law and pull the plug. That’s the diff. when you can’t walk out of a situation in your life, you just have to take a deep breath and set yourself to go one. That you recognize all this means that you can use your small vacations to their best advantage.
The best case, I suppose, is when what you enjoy and fulfills you is part and parcel of what you must do anyway. In most areas of my life, this is not the case. Lucky for me (and I do mean luck), the children were part of my creative and personal expression. Not when they were wee little – which was very hard for me, though I loved them fiercely – but when they began to talk and make sense (which only happened because I put in the time and work to bring them to that point).
But my situation was not as challenging as yours – not by a long shot. Your love and courage and willingness to nurture and protect and love your challenge will be a crown on your head for eternity, J. Never fear –
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Wow, that’s looking amazing!! And I agree with all the above posters: our kids are great, but even more so when they’re asleep or at school!! lol Anyhow, just thought I’d let you know that with the Easter holidays done, I’ve finally been able to book the occupational therapist and we have our very first meeting/assessment this Saturday!! Very exciting, thank you sooo much for helping us out with that!! You’re the best!
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Oh boy can I relate to this post.
Not the beautiful crocheting which I have GOT to learn how to do…. and I say again what I’ve said in an earlier post, the colors you chose are just divine. Quite splendid.
Kristen has a violent orange Halloween quilt! Make her take photo of it sometime….
When I tell people that I lived for Levi’s naps (while he still took them) and his bedtime…. there is a vacant, “I don’t get it” look. There is no connection. Now, to have him in school and then again, his bedtime.
Yeah. I get it. These children really are an extention of us. Levi can’t tell me what is wrong usually. Where he is hurting, what happened… etc. Yesterday he came in crying. Blood on his face, fat lip, bloody nose. I tried to figure out what had happened and I still have no idea! Turn your back for a second and it is amazing what can happen! I feel like I have to be so in tune with him.
You are wonderful Julie. Your connection with your daughter and how you try to give her you, when you can which is hard with a child like Toby. Hard when you are giving so much of yourself to him and to have any of yourself left to give to others….. I admire how well you do.
When our boys go off to school, that is when we sit down and plug ourselves back in and recharge so we’re ready to go again when they come home. I’m glad you have your knitting and crocheting to help you recharge!!
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I adore this blanket! Maybe I should attempt once more to learn to crochet..
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Julie, I work in a behavioural support unit at a senior school. Some days are very long and frustrating, mainly because it feels like treading water and getting nowhere. And these are not my own children, where the feeling must be so much more intense.
I completely understand how necessary the down time is, fortunately my own two girls are old enough to understand as well!
It’s very refreshing to read an honest blog piece, I fear a lot of people prettify their lives (for lots of valid reasons) when blogging.
It is completely evident you love your children equally, but who could not have wished for a different, more peaceful life for Toby?
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Hi. I have just discovered your blog. I too have a son with severe needs and know only too well how much time he takes up. He also has found the lack of routine of extra long weekends and school holidays hard. Often if I have a deadline approaching I get up at 5am and don’t go to bed until after midnight, hoping that my son will sleep. After a particularly bad time we were given respite and my son now goes monthly, Saturday till Sunday. Well that is until the money from the council runs out!!
The good times and memories are so precious and carry us through those not quite so good times. My oldest son is so good but it is great when we can just concentrate on him and when we can all spend quality time together knowing Danny is also safe.
I love your crochet, something I have tried but as yet never succeeded at. You are doing such a great job at keeping all your balls up in the air. If they ever fall (like mine occasionally) you have to take a deep breath, pick them up and start again!! Hugs Angela
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I’m not surprised at all that you look forward to the end of the holidays Julie – I think you do an amazing job. And your crochet blanket is looking stunning – and full of happy thoughts! Lucy xx
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Hi Julie,
I stumbled across your beautiful blog whilst looking for inspiration for mini Christmas stockings. I rather fancy making a set from your pattern and examples. I will drop by again. Thank you for sharing your talents with us. Best wishes
Karen
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I just discovered your blog. I find the knitting and crocheting very inspirational but not as much as your dedication to your child. All of us need rest so that we can re-
coop. I love your bears, bunnies and mice etc. Do you offer a pattern for these? They are great. Wishing you the very best.
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Inspiring and gorgeous! Makes me want to pick a hook and start crocheting again 🙂
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Oooh!! I love how your blanket is coming along!! And I’m glad that you had a nice break and even more are comfortable back in your regular routine. Your blanket looks great!! Whoever gets to snuggle under that will be extremely lucky!
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Julie,
I hope you read and re-read some or all of the wonderful support for you that I just read in the comments on your blog. I hope and pray that you aren’t getting any negative junk. Your honesty is rare and beautiful.
I trained and worked as a teacher for children with special needs (emotional as well as learning disabilities) in the late 1960s but it must have been before much was known about autism.
I admire and respect your strengths and weak moments. It tells me that in spite of your EXTRAordinary talents (interesting word, I’ll have to think about it some more) that you are real and human, the best way to be in my opinion.
I ran across a comment by another Mom about something that her autistic child enjoyed and learned from and wanted to pass it on to you. I hope it helps but it may not. I want you to know that I pray for you and wish I had you as a friend. You HAVE inspired me to look for my knitting needles after a looooooong time of not using them. Thanks!
The url is: http://blog.betzwhite.com/2008/06/super-foam-erator.html and the comment from the other Mom with an autistic son is dated 11-27-09 and is 4 up from the BOTTOM.
Continue to be the wonderful Mom (wonderful not perfect) that you are to BOTH of your children.
Peace and strength for 1 step at a time,
Nancy Barnes
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As with many of your blog friends, I don’t see your comments as harsh at all. Mothers of little ones eventually regain a sense of self as our children grow and become more independent. Toby cannot make that transition, and so you continue in your role as protector and nurturer. I hope you can find caretaker support, as you richly deserve to be your own person.
Other other moms know … we adore our children, but we miss our “selves” and that is only human. Your crocheted blanket is a lovely extension of you.
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great colors in your little squares.you continue to inspire me!
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OOOO! Just purchased the lovely hedgehog pattern from your Etsy site! Hooray, hooray! Am WICKED excited to start on it! P.S. EVERY mother looks forward to their kid’s school starting up again. EVERY. ONE. And if they say they don’t…they is LYING! 😉
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I had to place a comment here. But i don’t have anything more to add as everyone above has pretty much covered it. But I’ll just echo the general sentiment that you must MUST must have your time to yourself to recharge. Your life is a gift too, your’s is more valuable than some because of the very important job you do. Never feel guilty. Ever.xxx
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