I often think that for most people being a parent means dealing with a large dollop of guilt – guilt at not spending enough time playing with your child because you need to get the dinner on, guilt at not reading them just one more story because you’re dog-tired and just need a little adult time, guilt at being glad it’s nearly the first day of term… (ha, that’s me right now!) The guilty list goes on. Most of my guilt stems from the fact that of my 2 children Toby gets by far the most attention and often Amy has to make do with very little of my time and misses out on activities that we’d do as a family if we had 2 ‘normal’ children. The summer hols are especially difficult for her as she has to cope with the worst of both worlds – she’s not an only child and so doesn’t get maximum available adult attention, she has a brother but he’s not a playmate. We are beginning to look into some kind of respite but it’s early stages and I know I am going to struggle leaving my incredibly vulnerable and precious boy in the care of someone else for more than a few hours. Anyway, at the moment we make do by splitting our family down the middle and doing separate activities – one of us stays at home for tickles and bouncing with Toby while the other takes Amy out.
One of the things I’ve been meaning to do with Amy for ages is berry picking. I remember happy afternoons from my own childhood when we used to go berry picking every year (and chestnut gathering in autumn, snowdrop and bluebell spotting in late winter and spring). I found that there was a pick-your-own farm nearby and so Amy and I set off for a wee bit of quality mum and daughter time. I was surprised that it was virtually deserted there and that they had strawberries rotting on the plants – obviously times have changed since I was little and berry picking just isn’t very popular.
Amy and I had a great time though – munching on strawberries and raspberries as we picked them, looking at the different stages the fruit goes through as it develops and generally enjoying the time together. Because it was such a rare and special time we ended up picking more berries than we needed and so when we got home I thought we’d have a go at making jam.
Let me just say that Delia Smith’s recommended 8 minutes for boiling it up didn’t work for us – it was more like 20 minutes and then I wasn’t sure if it would set.
The kitchen was a bomb site with sticky goo everywhere (I guess it would have helped if we’d actually had the right utensils and if I’d watched it properly and not let it boil over!)
The resulting jam probably wouldn’t win any prizes but it certainly tastes sweet to me because mixed in there with the fruit and the sugar are some very special memories of some rare mother and daughter time – a simple activity for sure but then often those are the best.
little cotton rabbits 
It looks like the best jam ever!
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What gorgeous labels and very special jam.
I thought letting Mark have some time with hubby’s parents was a solution to similar feelings about my 2, but Johnny pined for his brother and dealing with ‘re-entry’ with Mark proved more stress than it was worth. Although he did have a ball. There just isn’t an easy answer is there.
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Have you looked into playschemes in your area? I used to run a 2 week playscheme for kids with disabilities, through the university. We had up to 50 kids, staffed by volunteers and 1:1 or 2:1 supervision. Our volunteers uni students, teachers, support workers, even parents (who had too much fun to turn down the chance of respite.) Volunteers came back year after year so were very experienced.
There was also another 1 week long playscheme in the area run by the council.
I know it must be a scary thought leaving Toby with other people but the kids we had loved it. If there is something in your area but you aren’t sure about it you could probably go along yourself for a day with him to make sure it’s right for him.
Lovely looking jam too, what a great way to spend a day.
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I can see the love in those jars of jam. The labels are great.
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I admire and empathise with you in equal measure. I have always felt guilty with 3 children of different ages – was the eldest getting enough attention/grown up time etc? although things are getting better now that the youngest is 5 – we seem to be able to do more together. But coping with the additional problems you have certainly puts my “issues” into perspective! lucky Amy to have had such lovely quality time with you! the jam will be wonderful.
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Amy and Toby are very lucky to have you as a parent!
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Such a wonderful story and some real quality time which Amy will always remember!
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What a great afternoon of picking berries and making what I’m sure is the best jam in the world! (it’s the love really that makes things “the best in the world”)
I’m sure y’all will find what’s best for your family not even being a mother I can’t give you any sage advice but your family is in my thoughts…
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What a special afternoon..lots of special memories for you both x
Really hoping that you manage to get your head around respite..so difficult to meet everybodys needs, I know with my four that someone always gets short changed. Remember you are doing a fab job, and though it’s hard to imagine Toby in the care of someone else, there are lots of lovely people who would enjoy spending time in his company. I appreciate a change of routine may be initially hard,but he could benefit a lot too…as could Amy from some time with Mum and Dad.
Keep up the good work..you really are doing good xx
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Awww… that’s so cool! 🙂
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I must say that those berries look so delicious and I am sure if my children and I picked berries there would not be any left for jam making. I think you are so clever to make such yummy looking jam too.
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Thanks for sharing this with us. Toby and Amy are lucky to have such thoughtful parents. The jam looks lovely and I really like Amy’s home-made label. Did you eat a few “free” strawberries when no one was looking Amy? That’s the best bit!!!!
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Great looking jam! Me & my two have done this many times – in fact my 23 year old son helped me prepare the fruit the other day!!
As my daughter has Downs, I know exactly what you are going through – believe me, your daughter will grow up to be very a well rounded and sensitive person because of her family life. Have you heard of a scheme called Family Link where your child goes to stay for anything up to a weekend with a willing and capable volunteer family? We did it for years and it was beneficial all round. If you fancy a ‘chat’ get in touch with me, I’m also a special needs asst at a school and have access to all sorts of info!
Caroline x
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I envy your patient parenting skills and your jam making skills, but I don’t envy you having to clean your hob after that jam boiled over!
And I love Amy’s label!
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Special time and special jam.
We tried the local PYO but it had been picked bare, must be lots of enthusiastic jam makers round here!
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What a lovely post, it’s brought tears my eyes. I suffer continuous guilt with my children as one approaches 13 and the other 8. It is very difficult to juggle so many things all at once, you seem an expert at it. I made cinder toffee with my eldest yesterday, then covered it in chocolate – they’re just like crunchies. (Strange how nearly teenagers are very busy when it’s time to do the washing up!) And I’m getting fatter by the second!
My mum makes jam a lot – she says it’s her way to de-stress. I’m the same with marmalade and chutney – love making it, although the chutney does tend to stink the whole house out for days on end! Amy’s label is fantastic, I wish my children would make me some like that!
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Don’t worry about the guilt – I find it is almost the primary maternal emotion and I manage to add to it by feeling guilty when I am having fun with the children that my husband is having a really hard time struggling with our business! You seem to be doing a fabulous job from where I’m sitting and both the children always look very content in the pictures. I’m sure they think you are marvellous so try to revel in it when you can!
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Don’t worry about the guilt – I find it is almost the primary maternal emotion and I manage to add to it by feeling guilty when I am having fun with the children that my husband is having a really hard time struggling with our business! You seem to be doing a fabulous job from where I’m sitting and both the children always look very content in the pictures. I’m sure they think you are marvellous so try to revel in it when you can!
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Your jam looks delicious and Amys label is cute too. She will always remember these precious moments together. You are being wonderful parents.
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What a lovely post! At this time every year I go chutney mad. Josh, who recently turned twelve, has been chopping plums and removing stones since he was old enough to hold a knife. I was wondering how to spend these last few days before school starts on Thursday, and I think you’ve given me the answer. I love your blog!
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You sound like a wondeful Mum Julie so cast those guilty feelings aside (as a Mum of four boys, youngest with ASD, I know that is easier said than done!) Fabulous looking Jam… and the labels are just the best. Very precious
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What a beautiful and very honest post Julie.
It must be hard for you but do try not to feel guilty you can only do the best you can and that quite frankly seems far more than many so called normal families.
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I joined Toby and Amy back at school today. Guilt is just a way of saying how much we love our children, a mother’s role is to be in the wrong and feel guilty! A precious gift though. Enjoy ‘adult time’ without feeling guilty, life is too short! God bless
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What a perfect summer project. When I was young my mother and I would pick berries at a local patch. Mostly we would pick blackberries. It was great! Your kids are very lucky to have such a great mommy.
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I am sure your daughter will cherish the quality time she has spent with you. Sounds as if you are doing a fab job with both your children. I teach a class of 6 ASD boys & know what a struggle the Summer is for Parents.
Jam looks great too! Our PYO fruit never lasts long enough to become jam!
Chris x
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Your Jam looks wonderful, a very special afternoon with your daughter:) Looking back I think my kids always remembered the little things we did together. I am sure everytime you take a jar of jam out your daughter will remember fondly the day you picked the berries together
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That jam looks delicious!
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The jam looks wonderful.. and like you say, mixed in with the other ingredients is an extra measure of love. Yum! It sounds like you are doing well with your special circumstances. Your children have a mother and a father who love them very much. That is worth a lot in today’s society!!
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we have a plum tree we planted when addie was born and we pick & make jam from it every year. It’s almost as fun as berry picking and equally rewarding! thanks for sharing your nice afternoon.
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I bet the jam will be fab – It looks fab!Guilt eh? Noone warns you about that part in the NCT classes. Noone tells you that when the whole family are finally asleep that’s when your brain wakes up and your conscience turns the dial up to 10!
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how beautiful does that jam look with its original label?! my heart aches from reading this beautiful post.
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Someone said to me on the day I came home from hospital with my first-born “and now the guilt starts”. I had no idea what she was on about at the time, but I do now.
Stand back, take a look at your two beautiful children and know that they are just fine because you love them and they are safe. That’s all that matters.
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Yumm! What an incredibly lovely way to spend time together. Those labels are wonderful, too! Thank you for sharing your life with us all. 🙂
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The jam looks wonderful; my last batch refused to set so I just called it strawberry syrup and poured it over ice cream. I sympathise with the guilt thing – I think we all have that – but your children are gorgeous and always look happy in the pictures so you must be doing something right!
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Those are THE BEST jam labels. Mummy’s jam indeed!
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The jam looks great! I’m sure Amy will treasure the memory of that lovely afternoon.
And motherhood always comes with a big dollop of guilt.
None of us gets it right all of the time.
I think you are doing a fabulous job and I’m sure your children do too.
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If only half the parents in the world were a caring as you it would be a much better place and your jam looks yummy.
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Hi Julie, I love your blog and the way you write so lovingly about your children. It is hard to juggle everything and get the balance right between their individual needs, the need to nuture other close relationships and the bit often forgoten about taking care of your ownself too. Dont feel guilty, you sound like you are working hard to achieve all this. It is incredibly difficult to let someone else look after our vulnerable children but something that worked for us was Direct Payments too long to explain here but it gives you flexibility in relation to respite and allows you to chose the person or people you feel happy with to support Toby. Happy to give more info if it helps. Take care.
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As long has you slot in some one-on-one fun time with your other child/children, there is no need for guilt. Encourage them to share their feelings re their sibling with you so that they feel safe to be honest, and you can offer guidance and understanding… My 2 other children matured maybe a little quicker from living with their Aspergers sibling, but they are well balanced adults with an understanding that they only gained from living with it! And a fabulous sense of humour to cope with life’s problems!
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As long has you slot in some one-on-one fun time with your other child/children, there is no need for guilt. Encourage them to share their feelings re their sibling with you so that they feel safe to be honest, and you can offer guidance and understanding… My 2 other children matured maybe a little quicker from living with their Aspergers sibling, but they are well balanced adults with an understanding that they only gained from living with it! And a fabulous sense of humour to cope with life’s problems!
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As long has you slot in some one-on-one fun time with your other child/children, there is no need for guilt. Encourage them to share their feelings re their sibling with you so that they feel safe to be honest, and you can offer guidance and understanding… My 2 other children matured maybe a little quicker from living with their Aspergers sibling, but they are well balanced adults with an understanding that they only gained from living with it! And a fabulous sense of humour to cope with life’s problems!
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As long has you slot in some one-on-one fun time with your other child/children, there is no need for guilt. Encourage them to share their feelings re their sibling with you so that they feel safe to be honest, and you can offer guidance and understanding… My 2 other children matured maybe a little quicker from living with their Aspergers sibling, but they are well balanced adults with an understanding that they only gained from living with it! And a fabulous sense of humour to cope with life’s problems!
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Mummy’s Jam – if that’s not the sweetest thing.
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