At least that is what my husband is calling it, as according to him it is lined with a load of old tat! Of course he is completely and utterly wrong. For a start the shelf is brand new – hand built and installed by him during the school half term break last week. And secondly, my collection of bits and bobs is decidedly not tat! Granted it may be an odd collection of bought, gifted and thrifted stuff but each and every thing makes me smile.

 

And smiles have been in rather short supply here over the last week. With it being school half term break Toby has really struggled with the lack of his familiar and comforting routine and despite my best efforts to keep him occupied he's frequently become very frustrated and aggressive. He's a big lad now and almost as strong as me, so keeping everyone safe when he's in full on meltdown mode is quite a tricky business and I have a few bite marks, scratches and deep bruises up the backs of both arms where he digs in his fingers when I try to cuddle him. Eventually when he calms he's quickly back to his gentle, sweet self but these tantrums are like ferocious storms that blow in with no warning and sweep away leaving the sun shining for him but a trail of emotional carnage for the rest of the family.

Luckily Amy had a theatre workshop which kept her out of the house a lot and it wasn't all dark and dismal for the whole of the week. There were a few special moments that I'll replay in my mind many times more – like walking in the woods and seeing Toby skipping ahead of me down the woodland track and a sudden shaft of sunlight turning both his hair and the autumn leaves to bright gold and there have been lots of giggly, tickly playful times that I've shared with him. There are happy moments in most days and those are the best ones to commit to memory.

Anyway, the smiles are returning here along with the return to routines and my happy new shelf is helping in it's own simple way. What's making you happy today?

With the children back at school there is sweet relief in the air today, which is a quiet and peaceful day full of the promise of a little time for knitting. Toby has been quite impossible over the last few weeks with many, many raging tantrums, hurting both himself and us. They've been frighteningly intense and there's been no telling when he'll come out of each nor what has been causing such extreme frustration and rage. It's made us more uncertain of the future and wonder whether at some point we'll be left with no option but to seek residential care for him. But then I need to remind myself that no-one can know what the future holds for Toby and anyway, such dark thoughts are best pushed away on a day like today because the sun is shining here and after 7 weeks of not much time to myself I now have 6 hours that I can call my very own. I'd not have you think it's been all been doom and gloom either because there have been sweet moments of cuddles, tickles and giggles, fun at the park and peaceful walks in the woods with the children.

I am also thankful for Barbara Higbie's music (which I stumbled on by accident) as it has entranced Toby (he's watched this clip more than 20 times most days) and raised my spirits too (it's impossible to feel down when this is playing)

Amy and I also managed to squeeze our garden campout into the last week.

First we went on an unsuccessful hedgehog hunt (although there have been signs that hodgers are back in our garden again after an absence of a year or so), then we made hot chocolate with marshmallows and settled down to tell stories and read until midnight.

Amy was then awake at just after six am and played on her DS while I cooked breakfast on the camping stove (I think bacon and eggs always taste best eaten in the fresh air with the slight tang of methylated spirits from the stove!)

 

I do feel a little melancholy that summer is drawing to a close but I can't deny being relieved that school has resumed so that Toby can settle into a routine again. I'm happy too that I can pick up my knitting again. I'm putting the finishing touches to something I've been making especially for the reception class at Amy's school, hope to have a picture of him finished later in the week.

Once I've had the chance to get a little bunny knitting done I'll be having a giveaway to celebrate my blogging anniversary but for now it's nice to be back and I look forward to catching up with everyone.